Friday, August 1, 2014

"walking backwards"

and unless you've ever had that feeling
it might be hard to explain

stay with me as I fumble through it

your scenarios will most likely be different
the end result
often the same

 homeschool support groups
as a case in point
it's a sad admission
but true none-the-less
I'm sure
 it isn't the intention
of my fellow homeschoolers
as they share their stories
the educational paths they have embarked on
the vast achievements
the goings on in their homes
I get that feeling
like I'm not doing nearly enough
not getting done what needs to get
so much to learning/teaching Latin...
so little
and yet they somehow
find the time

My solution:
Stop attending.

I'm not saying that's the
grown-up thing to do
or even
the most beneficial
since we all need
to exceed ourselves.

Walking backwards.

Whenever you feel stalled in life
it creeps in
like a nasty tick
unnoticed at first
but eventually the symptoms
catch up with you.

I used that phrase this week
as I relayed a moment from my life
one of those memories that
I revisit on occasion
as a reminder of
who I am

I remember it clearly
walking through a corn maze with an
amazing woman
it was our first visit together
so as she pushed a double stroller
which isn't an easy thing to do through a corn field
with two very young children she and her husband
were fostering
we became acquainted

she shared her story
 let's just say
she is one of those people who squeezes
every last ounce out of her life
leaving me with feelings
of exhaustion
in the listening of it
and wondering
How a person can get so much accomplished
in a a life
(and a shorter one than mine!)
tired and...okay, I'll admit a wee bit insecure
I started asking myself
what the hell I'd been doing
with my time

then the dreaded moment

when she asked me about my life
a what do you do
I found myself
fluffing my resume
in a feeble attempt to keep up

Don't you love it when
nasty self-talk rears its
ugly head?

I felt my true story was lacking
in comparison.

I didn't lie
I did some serious

 you may wonder

Why would I revisit such a
self loathing moment?
it was on that doubt-ridden
struggling to find the right path
that I discovered something pretty
about myself.

And I found a little forgiveness
as well.

How metaphorically beautiful.

Finding my way.

In the cry of a child.

Who I took in my arms
and as he cradled into me for comfort
snuggled in for peace
I knew
that this is what I do.

This is what I've always done.

I needed to be at home
always available

This is who I am.

The nurturer.
The stay-at-home mom.
It may not speak volumes on a resume
this simple (to me) act
worked as a reminder
of how fleeting time is
and I never want to miss a
of these

Knowing your strengths
learning of weaknesses
is a lifelong process

Constantly learning

as we make our way through
this maze

1 comment:

  1. What a beautiful post! I've been there before, feeling so tired yet so unaccomplished. Somehow, everything I did just seemed lazy in comparison. And then one day I realized that what seemed amazing to me in others' lives may be trivial to them and vice-versa. They might look at me and be thinking that something I do seems unreal while for me, it just is what it is... something I do.

    You are a wonderful person...