"walking backwards"

and unless you've ever had that feeling
it might be hard to explain


stay with me as I fumble through it

your scenarios will most likely be different
but
the end result
often the same

take
 homeschool support groups
as a case in point
it's a sad admission
but true none-the-less
I'm sure
 it isn't the intention
of my fellow homeschoolers
regardless
as they share their stories
the educational paths they have embarked on
the vast achievements
the goings on in their homes
I get that feeling
like I'm not doing nearly enough
not getting done what needs to get
done
so much to do...like learning/teaching Latin...
so little
time
and yet they somehow
find the time

My solution:
Stop attending.

I'm not saying that's the
grown-up thing to do
or even
the most beneficial
since we all need
motivation
to exceed ourselves.

Walking backwards.

Whenever you feel stalled in life
it creeps in
like a nasty tick
unnoticed at first
but eventually the symptoms
catch up with you.

I used that phrase this week
as I relayed a moment from my life
one of those memories that
I revisit on occasion
as a reminder of
who I am

I remember it clearly
walking through a corn maze with an
amazing woman
it was our first visit together
so as she pushed a double stroller
which isn't an easy thing to do through a corn field
with two very young children she and her husband
were fostering
we became acquainted



she shared her story
and
 let's just say
she is one of those people who squeezes
every last ounce out of her life
leaving me with feelings
of exhaustion
in the listening of it
exhausted
and wondering
How a person can get so much accomplished
in a day...in a life
(and a shorter one than mine!)
tired and...okay, I'll admit a wee bit insecure
I started asking myself
what the hell I'd been doing
with my time

then the dreaded moment

when she asked me about my life
a what do you do
kind-of-thing
and
I found myself
fluffing my resume
in a feeble attempt to keep up

Don't you love it when
nasty self-talk rears its
ugly head?

I felt my true story was lacking
in comparison.

I didn't lie
but
I did some serious
embellishing.

So
 you may wonder

Why would I revisit such a
wonderful
self loathing moment?
Because
it was on that doubt-ridden
bumpy
winding
unknown
terrain
struggling to find the right path
that I discovered something pretty
amazing
about myself.

And I found a little forgiveness
as well.

How metaphorically beautiful.

Finding my way.

In the cry of a child.



Who I took in my arms
and as he cradled into me for comfort
snuggled in for peace
I knew
that this is what I do.

This is what I've always done.

I needed to be at home
always available

This is who I am.

The nurturer.
The stay-at-home mom.
It may not speak volumes on a resume
but
this simple (to me) act
worked as a reminder
of how fleeting time is
and I never want to miss a
moment
of these
moments.

Knowing your strengths
learning of weaknesses
is a lifelong process

Constantly learning

as we make our way through
this maze
called
life.